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My HUMAN needs a DATE Hi, I'm Loki. I'm 4 years old, with blue eyes, and in excellent shape. But this isn't really about me. I'm posting for my human, as he thinks this online dating thing is silly and won't do it himself. But I think it could work. Especially if the humans finally realize that we dogs are much better judges of character than they are and let us do the picking and choosing. But anyway, my human needs a date. Don't get me wrong, I love him and all, but now and again a girl just needs the house to herself for an evening on the couch watching the hot hunks on Animal Planet, you know?
His name is James, and I think he's adorable. He has brown hair and pretty blue eyes. He's funny and an excellent cook. He doesn't like it if you eat between meals, but I'll show you how to do "the look". He can't resist "the look". He gives the best back scratches in the world. I take him running with me every day, so he's in good shape. He is retired, but stays pretty busy. He is tall...like 6'4 and weighs around 200. I don't think he can sew though, because I guess he has holes in his pants. When we go walking, females are always looking at his butt like he has on holy jeans.....I don't understand it. He likes to take me places with him (we went to Alaska a couple months ago), so I bet he'll want to take you places, too. He's kind of shy, though. He reads books (sometimes he reads to me, isn't that cute?), and he blushes every time he talks to a female. But he loves dogs, that's why I take him to the park with me. He always has to stop and pet the dogs. I can't tell you how many guys I've met that way.
So, do you have a shy and cute female human that you want to get out of the house more often? She should be smart. James is smart. He knows how to fetch and never pees on the floor. Your human should also be nice. The last lady James brought home with him was a total loser. She was kind of mean to him and she told him that he had to get rid of me. They were wrestling and playing on the bed so I jumped up there to join in. That's when he kicked her to the curb. Damn straight. So, your human has to be nice to James, because if she isn't, I'll bite her. Just kidding.
Here's what I propose: let's get our humans out of the house together. Maybe if they like each other, they'll get out of the house together more often and we can have our respective couches to ourselves every weekend. How's that sound?
If you're a fine male of the species, you can come over and share my couch. James had me fixed, so it's totally safe.
Respectfully,
The Dog

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